Why your vagina is gross

So I recently read this article about yet another attempt to make money out of women’s insecurities and of course this is by pointing out to us that the most important thing in life is to be attractive to the male gender. Keeping the patriarchal society intact. Pheew, I was worried there for a second that the foundation was starting to crack, you know with women being given the rights to vote and drive and all. Good thing they found new ways to maintain power.

So this all started with an ad for Clean and Dry Intimate wash, a bleaching cream for your, yes that´s right, vagina! Apparently the shade of your lady parts is a crucial matter for your fuckability (by which all female value is measured naturally). I mean haven´t we all been there, right on the verge of intercourse when the guy just suddenly shudders at the sight of your vag, and runs out the room fighting his gag reflex. (Please don´t answer yes to that!) Hopefully your lover actually doesn´t give a crap what shade it comes in and is happy just to get access. Well, I´ll leave the rest to Lindy West, author of the article that seriously made me want to embrace my inner lesbian and propose marriage to her and her, surely, perfectly shaded vagina. Enjoy!

Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown

Good news, ladies! Society has discovered another new thing that’s wrong with you, which means another opportunity for you to make yourself more attractive for your man. Score! Turns out, the color of your vagina is gross and everyone hates it. So bleach that motherfucker. Bleach it right now!

In this commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a (very light-skinned) couple sits down for what would have been a peaceful cup of morning coffee—if the woman’s disgusting brown vagina hadn’t ruined everything! The dude can’t even bring himself look at her. He can’t look at his coffee either, because it only reminds him of his wife’s dripping, coffee-brown hole! Fortunately, the quick-thinking woman takes a shower, scrubbing her swarthy snatch with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash (“Freshness + Fairness”). And poof! Her vadge comes out blinding white like a downy baby lamb (and NOT THE GROSS BLACK KIND) and her husband—whose penis, I can only assume, is literally a light saber—is all, “Hey, lady! Cancel them divorce papers and LET’S BONE.”

Needless to say, certain citizens are troubled by this product—which, in addition to just being fucking insane, brings up painful issues about the hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are??? Splendid! God, I was just saying the other day that my misogyny didn’t have enough racism in it.

So what are the pro-vadge-bleaching people thinking? Here’s a hilarious explanation from a male ad exec:

It is hard to deny that fairness creams often get social commentators and activists all worked up. What they should do is take a deep breath and think again. Lipstick is used to make your lips redder, fairness cream is used to make you fairer-so what’s the problem? I don’t think any Youngistani today thinks the British Raj/White man is superior to us Brown folk. That’s all 1947 thinking!

The only reason I can offer for why people like fairness, is this: if you have two beautiful girls, one of them fair and the other dark, you see the fair girl’s features more clearly. This is because her complexion reflects more light. I found this amazing difference when I directed Kabir Bedi, who is very fair and had to wear dark makeup for Othello, the Black hero of the play. I found I had to have a special spotlight following Kabir around the stage because otherwise the audience could not see his expressions.

See? It makes perfect sense. We just want our vaginas to reflect more light—is that so wrong? I mean, WHAT IF MY CAR BREAKS DOWN AT NIGHT AND I DON’T HAVE A REFLECTIVE ENOUGH VAGINA? Really, the ultimate one-vagina-to-rule-them-all would glow in the dark like one of those deep-sea fishes. I need my vagina to attract more krill so my husband will fuck me again! (My husband is a whale.)

Basically the idea is to get as far away as possible from any color that vaginas actually come in. Because that’s what’s at the heart of this type of thinking—the perfect vagina would be something that’s not a vagina at all.

By Lindy West for Jezebel.com


7 thoughts on “Why your vagina is gross

    • I think you may have misunderstood. It´s the people who fall under the pressure of patriarchy that are insecure, not the ones who dare to criticize it. And if people want to bleach their vaginas because it´s something they want to do for themselves, and not because society teaches them they have to in order to attract the almighty cock, then I´d say go for it! Bleach the shit out of it! However don´t come back crying when your vadge is covered in yeast infections and suspicious skin rash from all the chemicals

  1. I don’t see this as a patriarchy issue, it’s more an issue of pathetic stupidity of the guys and the girls too, I guess.

    So glad I’m not from Indian. For a Country with so many smart people, it is too encumbered with too many pathetic, archaic, and unfortunate beliefs and mindsets.

    • Having spent a great deal of time in India for work I agree that it does have some old fashioned ideas. For example, men and women demonstrating affection in public is more than frowned upon even dancing in most nightclubs is awkwardly done with women on one side of club men on other so they often aren’t dancing together. However, you may see a man in a business suit in Bangalore, Mumbai, Chennai, or Delhi standing off the sidewalk in a busy area pissing. Poverty is unbelievably bad as is corruption. In Mumbai there is an area where form a few blocks away it looks like a landfill but it is a slum and it is a slum that is MUCH worse than the normal slum.

      The thing about skin tone in India is that darker skinned Indians are considered less than ideal because I guess of some old belief that darker skinned folks tended to be from the fields or manual labor. Of all the problems in India genital coloring seems like it should be no higher than top maybe a 6 of the top 10.

      Brutal gang rapes, warfare in the slums between Muslims and Hindi and the still present but denied issue of the Dalits should be higher on the list than vagina stuff. Corruption is probably up there as well. Having said all of that India is still a great place and getting better as they distance themselves from the British Raj.

      I know the world community, especially Europe likes to blame the US for the world’s ills but I bet an unbiased review of what European colonization did to Africa, Asia, Middle East and parts of Latin American would quickly reveal much f the world’s woes have root in Europe’s colonization and resulting policies then quickly abandoning those areas to their own devices with little or no guidance post WW1 and WW2.

      One could possibly argue that it is more important than vaginas.

  2. After EXACTLY eleventy hours following the rabbit down the click bait hole, I landed here. Read the article and while I kind of just like vaginas regardless of color tone I I dig the way you write. I am a big fan of smart-ass and anger peppered with passive aggressive.

    Anyhow, I find it shocking that the entire rest of society is trying to convince women that we (men) are picky about vagina- I use the singular to prove beyond a doubt that I prefer one at a time for however long it will grace me with its presence.

    Seriously, vaginas are great.

    Anyhow, ladies don’t listen to naysayers- focus on my words- women are amazing and we (not all ‘we’ obviously) love that you are soft, smooth, smell nice, do weird things to look nice like wear high heels, put on makeup, use all manner of appliances on your hair, you say nice things to us and you are generally 180 degrees different than we are as men. So next time an advertisement tells you that your vagina is all wrong- don’t listen to it because unless you have had some sort of freakish public transportation accident men are going to like your vagina because we don’t have one and you guys are nice to us, except when you aren’t and some guys dig that too. Seriously, any woman that can tolerate us even like 34% of the time is a Saint. I couldn’t for example curl up on a rainy Sunday with another man, eat soup and feel good about myself or him for that matter, because men are nasty.

    In closing vaginas are the bees knees.

    Good luck with your vaginas!

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